My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
