how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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