drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
