i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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