Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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