I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
