If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
