How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
