Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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