I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
