This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
