As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
