Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
