you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
