the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
