he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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