And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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