A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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