the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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