it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
