My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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