U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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