I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
