She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
