You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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