me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
