no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
