But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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