legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
