my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
