she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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