Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
