We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
