I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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