So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
