my sisters under your porch take her home
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
