he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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