can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
