I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
