I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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