there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
