i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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