sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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