he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
