I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
