There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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