Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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