That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
