i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
