Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
