clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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