So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
