We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
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WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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