I wish I could punch you in the face.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
