There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
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And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
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This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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