Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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