how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
