I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
