how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
