she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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