Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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