i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
